Edward, Emmett, and Jasper: Up in Smoke
by mistyhaze420
Summary: I just wanted to see what would happen if vampire’s used drugs. There is going to be drug use, foul language, lewd behavior, munchies, and good times. So enjoy and please rate! Rated M for fun!
1. Chapter 1

**I do not own any of the Twilight characters. I do not profit from this but it would be nice. This is from Edward's POV. I just wanted to see what would happen if vampire's got high. There is going to be drug use, foul language, lewd behavior, munchies, and good times. So enjoy and please rate!**

I sighed to myself and thought about the next 12 hours of my life and how empty they would be. The love of my life, my Bella, had been practically abducted by my sisters and forced to go on a shopping venture in New York for the day. They had planned to spend the night and wouldn't be returning until the next morning. I looked over at the clock and cursed it as it read 7:30 p.m. This was twilight. This was the part of the day that I looked forward to most. The sun began setting and Bella and I could run together through the woods and make love all night long. I was so thankful that she chose me. It was the hardest decision I ever made, to change her, but after hours and hours on end of passion filled days and nights, it was definitely worth it. I'm sure she agreed.

So now, what would I do for the next 12 hours without my Bella? Carlisle and Esme were off in Alaska visiting the Denali's. Jasper, Emmett, and I were left all alone. I sat at my piano for a few minutes, lazily plucking the keys but it was all for naught, I was bored. Jasper was cleaning one of his many guns and watching the history channel. There was some sort of documentary on the many wars throughout the last 100 years. I didn't understand his compulsion for these shows; after all we saw most of these events with our own eyes.

Anyway, I started to go to my room to read when I noticed Emmett sitting out in the woods alone and appearing to be deep in thought. My concern immediately set in because any time Emmett began thinking, disaster immediately followed. In fact, disaster followed Emmett even when there were no thoughts in his head, which was the vast majority of the time. My curiosity got the better of me and I decided to go see what he was up to, against my better judgment.

I slid out through the patio door and in a moment I was sitting next to him on the big tree trunk that had been knocked to the ground during our wrestling match hours earlier. I sighed, "What are you thinking about, Emmett?" I closed my eyes and held my head down in my hands in anticipation of what was about to come.

"Well," he sounded as if he really had been in deep thought about something quite perplexing, "I'm thinking about smoking this joint I found." Of course. My eyes remained closed and I began pulling my hands through my hair. "Okay and where may I ask did you acquire this marijuana cigarette?"

"Well," he began, "it's a long story…" Of course it was. I groaned, "Go on, Emmett." My eyes are still closed, my hands rubbing the back of my neck now. "Okay so Rosie and I were playing that game last night where she sits in a bar looking all trashy and I come in as the handsome but dangerous stranger and then we go to that cheap, dirty motel…you know the one I'm talking about" he began nudging me now, "the one that lets you pay by the hour and…" I interrupted at this point, "No, I do not know of which motel you speak and may I urge you to just get to the point of the story and tell me how you acquired the marijuana cigarette?" My hands moved now and I pinched the bridge of my nose as vile images of this so-called motel and their little "game" flashed into his thoughts and unfortunately into mine. _Stupid mind reading bullshit!_

"Okay, well when I got to the bar, Rosie was sitting there waiting for me and apparently being harassed by some drunk asshole who was way too smashed to sense that he was about to become dog meat if he didn't leave her alone. So I walked up and grabbed Rosie so we could leave before some shit started. This jackass followed us outside, with this joint in his hand and begging Rose to come back to his place and smoke it with him."

I turned to look at him now afraid to ask more but knew it had to be done. "And Emmett, how did this joint pass from this man to you?" He chuckled recalling the memory and I saw it in his mind. _Emmett was now leaning over this drunk man smiling wickedly to bare his teeth and let out a long, low growl. The poor bastard started pissing his pants, dropped the joint, and ran away. Rosalie turned for a moment to give the angry bitch eyes to some guy who complimented her ass in passing allowing Emmett enough time to snatch the joint and put it in his pocket._

"I see," was my only reply. My poor brother was such an idiot. "Emmett, you do recall the speech that Carlisle gives us every decade or so in regards to the effect of drugs and alcohol on our bodies, right?"

He looked a little confused now but I figured out that the look of confusion only meant his feeble mind was contemplating again. "Yes, I do remember what Carlisle says about how drugs and alcohol have no effect on us because of what we are but I was thinking…" _Oh no, not again._ He continued, "Maybe he was lying to us in a clever effort to keep us from trying drugs or alcohol. Maybe it was all a ploy to keep us clean." He looked at me now and for a brief moment, I actually considered what he said and then felt guilty for doubting my father for even a brief moment.

"Emmett, if you feel you must use this illegal drug to prove to yourself that Carlisle has been plotting some sort of conspiracy against us, then by all means, go right ahead and do it. However, I will not sit here and watch." I began to get up and walk back to the house, slowly to drag out the minutes until Bella returned to me.

"Wait!" he called and turned me to look at him. "I don't want you to watch me; I want you to smoke it with me." I laughed now, "Why on earth would I do that, Emmett?" He put his hand on my shoulder and looked at me with an intensity now that caused me to stop laughing and consider his offer. "Well, Edward, the girls are gone for 12 hours. Carlisle and Esme are gone until tomorrow evening. It's just you, me, and Jasper for the long haul buddy. 12 long, excruciating, no-sex having, boring, coma inducing hours until our women come home. Besides, you're all scientific and stuff. Think of this as a scientific experiment. We can all even keep journals to monitor our reactions. Come on, Eddie. A little male bonding will do us all good." I pondered for a moment and then replied, "You had me at the no-sex having part but then lost me again at the male bonding part. Yet for the sake of science, I will partake in this experiment on the condition that we tell no one. I don't want Bella thinking that I'm off doing drugs when she isn't around." I couldn't believe I had agreed to this but 12 hours is a long time and I was really very bored.

He took off sprinting into the house to tell Jasper of our experiment. I walked in behind him and much to my surprise, Jasper looked as excited as Emmett. "Okay, boys, calm down for a minute and let's plan this out. First, has either of you ever indulged in any narcotics, in your human or vampire form?" I figured it was best to begin with the basic question first and see if either of them had any personal insight to this drug.

Emmett spoke first, "Nope. I've never smoked this stuff but I sure did drink a hell of a lot when I was human." He began laughing at some hazy, clouded image in his head that I couldn't quite make out, "Good times man, good times," he concluded.

Jasper spoke next, "Well, in my days as a Major during the Confederacy, we smoked quite a bit of cannabis. As you probably know, it wasn't illegal at that time and during our brief periods of rest between battles, we would smoke to help calm us and relax. Come to think of it, the night I ran across those three that changed me, I had just smoked a huge amount of cannabis with a Corporal and I was really quite stoned." He chuckled now, "Perhaps that's, in part, where my ability to calm people comes from."

He was quite amused with himself now as he smiled and had a few hazy, clouded memories that, again, I was unable to see clearly. After a moment he ran into Carlisle's office and obtained three unused journals. Emmett now looked at me, "How about you, Eddie? You ever smoke, drink, drop acid?" He erupted in laughter and now Jasper joined him. Already annoyed I snapped, "what's so funny?!" Emmett was now sitting on the couch and Jasper sat on the living room chair. "Just the thought," Emmett now pointed at me still laughing and covering his eyes while Jasper almost laughed himself right off the chair, "of you being high! Or drunk! Or ANYTHING! You are the biggest prude alive…" Now Jasper felt the need to insert his insulting comment, "or undead!"

I grabbed the journals forcefully from the coffee table and threw them at Jasper. "Come on; let's just get this over with so I can go back to thinking of Bella!" I growled at them and they straightened up. I sat down, reluctantly on the couch with Emmett but at the far end, maintaining enough distance to keep my manhood in tact.

Jasper stood and cleared his throat, "Men! What we have here is a mission!" He began walking rigidly in front of us swiping his hand with the flyswatter, in the ruse of General Patton. He passed out each of our journals, "What you have here in front of you are your mission logs, men! You will keep an accurate, detailed description of the time and your thoughts in these for us to review once the mission is complete. Do you understand the objective of this mission, men?!!" He screamed and we stood to attention "Sir Yes Sir!" "We _will_ smoke this joint! We _will_ determine if Carlisle has been plotting against us! We _will_ hopefully by the grace of God get stoned off our ASSES!!!!" "Sir Yes Sir!" We all sat down now laughing and eager to begin our experiment.

First, we began our log…

**Edward's Log**

**I, Edward Cullen, being of an intellectually sound mind and a physically perfect body, do solemnly swear that it is 8:32 p.m. on the night of Friday, the 1****st**** of May, year 2009.**

**My thoughts consist of proving Emmett wrong in his Carlisle theory, Bella, and Bella's body. **

_So what if I write in calligraphy. It's sophisticated, classy, and elegant, and I think it's pretty. _

**Emmett's Log**

I, Emmett Cullen, being of rockin' hot body and equally rockin' mind, do solemn and lee square that it's a Friday night in May 2009.

My thoughts are of my rockin' hot body; my wife's rockin' hot body, and our bodies rockin' together hotly!

_I am the shit!_

**Jasper's Log**

I, Jasper Hale, being of an intellectually superior mind and a body strong enough to take the wrath of the civil war, succubae, newborn vampires, a sex goddess for a wife, and Emmett, do solemnly swear that the time is now 20:33 on May 1, year 2009.

My thoughts are of achieving our mission and getting high because I actually miss it, my sexy, beautiful little Alice, and throwing something at Emmett's head while he sits over there kissing his bicep.

_Now that's the most disturbing thing I've ever seen, and I've seen too much!_

"Okay, men, set your watches for 21:35. This is when we'll write in our logs again once we've given time for the drug to actually take effect." Jasper once again took control of our perspective mission. "What the hell is 21:35?" Emmett looked up with a dazed and confused look on his face already. I answered him, "9:35pm. Okay, so who has the lighter so we can get this over with?" We all looked at each blankly for a few moments…


	2. Chapter 2

_We all looked at each blankly for a few moments… _

Then Emmett jumped up and ran outside, in a flash he was back in front of us with the long barbecue lighter from the grill. We had never actually used it but Esme thought it was good to have to maintain our appearance as the normal, average American family.

"Here we go. We can use this lighter to light that candle and then use the candle to light the joint." Emmett said smugly and before I could even inquire Jasper asked "Why don't we just use the lighter to light the joint" Emmett now looked a little depressed, "Yeah, okay, I just really wanted to light this candle. It smells fucking awesome." Jasper reached over and snatched the lighter and joint from Emmett's hand. He quickly lit the candle and Emmett's face lit up. He sat back down and Jasper pushed the button on the barbecue lighter and held the joint to his lips. We all sat forward in our seats and took in a deep breath in anticipation, although we had no reason to breathe at all. "Okay men," Jasper got ready, "Let's lock and load!"

With that he put the joint to his lips, lit the other end, and inhaled deeply. He held it for a few moments and released a white cloud of smoke billowing in the air. Strangely enough, it smelled like the Denali house and Mike Newton. He passed it to me now and I got ready to take a deep breath when Jasper began coughing. I jumped in shock! _Vampires don't cough!_ "Vampires don't cough!" I yelled, "What the hell is this stuff going to do to me?" I was now very worried. I do remember watching a documentary back in the late 30's called "Reefer Madness." Those young people went crazy and killed people!

Jasper sensed my anxiety and sent a calming wave to me. In fact, it was a very calming wave…almost tingly. I started giggling for some unknown reason and said, "Fuck it!" I put the joint to my lips and inhaled deeply. The strangest sensation drifted through my body. I held my breath for a few minutes then released. My body was all tingly…but it was a very good tingly. I handed the joint to Emmett and he didn't hesitate at all before inhaling the smoke. I looked at Jasper and he had sort of a goofy weird smile on his face. I was in shock when I turned my head and caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror on the wall. I, too, had this weird goofy smile on my face. I tried to stop it but it wouldn't go away. I now turned to Emmett who had passed the joint back to Jasper. He also had a weird goofy smile on his face so I figured the effect hadn't hit him yet since he always looked like that.

Before I knew it the joint was back in my fingers. My long, pale fingers. I hadn't really noticed how long my fingers were. Now that I look at them, they look strange, freakish maybe. No wonder Bella adored them. The things these fingers could do to her…"Edward, puff, puff, pass, man!" Jasper was laughing hysterically in his chair.

So, once again, I inhaled the sweet aroma and passed to Emmett. This cycle continued for quite some time until Jasper finally put it out with his fingertips and set it on the coffee table. Simultaneously, we all put our hand behind our heads and slumped back in our respective seats. We all took a deep breath and chuckled quietly to ourselves.

My body was tingly, my thoughts were a little out of focus, I felt…I felt…fanfuckingtastic! I chuckled again at this new sensation. My mind drifted to Emmett's and I could still hear his thoughts, although somewhat slower and a little slurred.

_Heh..heh..heh…I knew Carlisle had been plotting against us! I feel..fucking…awesome! I am the smartest fucking being on the planet! Everyone's always underestimating me. Could it be…no…well maybe…are they all plotting against me? Is this some sort of conspiracy?_

I chuckled in amusement at my poor dumb brother who was now giving the evil eye to me and Jasper. Jasper must have sensed him, "Emmett, will you stop being so god damned paranoid?! You will not ruin my fucking buzz by sending me into a state of panic!"

Once again, I heard Emmett's thoughts…_A Ha! See this proves it! I knew they were all involved in some twisted maniacal plot to ruin me! But why? Must be because I am so fucking hot and have the body of a Greek god. Yeah. Look at this bicep. Who wouldn't want this? Give me a little kiss baby. Yeah. You like that huh. And I have the fucking hottest chick ever and she wants me, man. Yeah she wants me bad. If she were here, she'd be screaming, "Ooohh big daddy, come here and…" what's that? Rock Band 2? When the fuck did we get Rock Band 2?"_

I snickered at his foolishness when my mind was inundated with thoughts that reminded me of that time in 1989 when we visited the playboy mansion but had to leave when Jasper sent erotic feelings to every human there resulting in the biggest orgy ever. We of course had to leave promptly because it was too much…much too much to bear.

Jasper's Thoughts

_I really missed this feeling. I would have to thank Emmett if he weren't over there kissing his fucking bicep again! Fucking stupid…fucking…fucking Alice is AMAZING! I know everyone sees her as this little fairy like tiny little thing, they don't know. No, they don't know about the things that woman does to me. Her perky little breasts bouncing up and down like her nipples are eyeballs staring right into my soul…and that little taut ass…how I love to smack it. Smack it sir! Yeah baby, the Major will punish that little ass…what the fuck?!_

I threw a couch cushion at Jasper hitting him squarely in the head. "What the fuck?!" he yelled. "Jazz, you need to cut this shit out! Do you realize you're giving us all fucking boners by sending out those filthy emotions?!" I was getting a stiffy, not by the thought of either of my sister's but because of those damn vibes coming from Jasper.

Quickly we all three jumped up and started straightening out our clothes. We then started cringing a little at the thought of the three of us sitting around with boners and decided we needed to redeem some manhood now. "Rock Band 2, Men! Emmett-drums! Edward-Guitar and Vocals! I will also do guitar and vocals! Now, let's move it!" Jasper once again jumped into his army nature and guided us back to our mission.

_I wonder what Bella's doing now? Oh Bella. Bella, Bella, Bella. My sweet little angel. How I love it when your face lights up when you see me and you look at me through those long…beautiful…sexy…sensual…eyelashes. You wanna play baby? Huh? Yeah, Eddie knows you do. You like dirty Eddie, huh? Yeah baby…_

I quickly threw the guitar at Jasper and he broke free from his thoughts and grabbed it. I screamed, "Jasper! Damnit! Stop it with the vibes man! You have no idea what I was just thinking!" "Oh" he chuckled slightly, "Sorry man."

We all got ready to start Rock Band 2. I hadn't ever played it. Bella and I had been way too busy since she had been changed. But I loved music and somewhere in the back of my mind I heard this phrase being chanted softly…

…_you are a rock god! _


	3. Chapter 3

_**Thanks to everyone for their reviews. Let me know if you have any suggestions. I love writing this…it's fun. Once again, I own nothing…sad but true.**_

…_you are a rock god! _

…_you are a rock god! _

…_you are a rock god! _

"Yes I am." I said proudly answering the visions in my head. Jasper and Emmett now looked at me funny. "Who ya talking to bro?" Emmett raised his eyebrow at me. I shook it off, "Uh..no one. I'm just ready to play."

They giggled now and we took our places in front of the TV, instruments in hand. Emmett had chosen some song by a group called 'Disturbed.' The song was called 'Down With The Sickness.' I was a little apprehensive since I didn't really know too much modern day rock-n-roll and the title of this song made me wonder which sickness to which they were referring…cancer..flu…common cold…I had no idea but I supported the notion of 'down with sickness, up with good health.' The music began to start and we positioned ourselves. Jasper looked over to me, "I'll do leads, you do back up." "Yeah, okay."

The music began and I had to close my eyes for a minute to acclimate myself to this heavy sound and I was still a little puzzled about how these loud, heavy instruments would were supposed to bring any comfort to someone battling sickness. Emmett started following along with the drums. Then I realized I was supposed to be playing guitar so I opened my eyes quickly and tried to follow along. I had apparently missed the first few lines and I jumped when Jasper began the song by yelling.

_Ooh ah ah ah ah!  
Ooh ah ah ah ah!  
Drowning deep in my sea of loathing  
Broken your servant I kneel  
(Will you give in to me?)  
It seems what's left of my human side  
Is slowly changing ... in me  
(Will you give in to me?)_

Looking at my own reflection  
When suddenly it changes  
Violently it changes  
Oh no, There is no turning back now  
You've woken up the demon ... in me

I was rather enjoying this, letting the hard music flow through me and Emmett and I joined in for the chorus as we thrashed around the living room.

_Get up, come on get down with the sickness  
Get up, come on get down with the sickness  
Get up, come on get down with the sickness  
Open up your hate, and let it flow into me  
Get up, come on get down with the sickness  
You mother get up  
Come on get down with the sickness  
You fucker get up  
Come on get down with the sickness  
Madness is the gift, that has been given to me_

We were still thrashing around wildly having already destroyed several pieces of furniture. When suddenly we were surrounded by a thunderous round of applause…no wait, those were _boos_. The music faded as we got booed offstage. "Shit!" Jasper yelled. "What the fuck? We're vampires; we're supposed to be good at this hand eye coordination bullshit!" Emmett yelled now. I was quite surprised. I thought we were excellent. "Maybe we should try another one?" I said beginning to look through the song list. Just then, the alarms on our watches went off. We all jumped, caught off guard by the offending chirp.

My mind was blank. _Why the hell did we all set our watches? _"Why the hell did we all set our watches?" I wondered aloud. They both looked at me dumbfounded. "We were supposed to do something…hunt maybe?" Jasper pondered this notion. "Yeah" Emmett got up and went into the kitchen, "I'm really fucking thirsty. You know what sounds so good right now? A big fucking polar bear. It's like a sugar coated grizzly…"

_Yeah, that does sound good…or maybe a panther…I haven't had one of those in ages…what the fuck is he doing?_

"Emmett, why are you looking in the refrigerator?" I said curiously as he knelt to look into the barren space as the little white light shone on his big goofy face. He started laughing, shut the door, and walked back into the living room, "I dunno man. I'm so fucking wasted right now." "Yeah." Jasper chuckled. I couldn't control the laughter now and we all just stood there and laughed.

_I really am high right now. My body feels tingly and happy. I don't even know why I'm so happy but I can't stop laughing. My throat is so dry. Mmm…mountain lion…I wonder why Carlisle didn't tell us the truth. I wonder…Carlisle…journals!_

"We're supposed to write in our journals!" I sighed, thankful that I had finally remembered what that incessant beeping had been for earlier. "Oh yeah." Emmett made his way to the couch and Jasper sat back down on the chair. "Okay, now just write what you're feeling and thinking. Remember this is for science and research." I smiled at myself for being so clever.

Emmett's Journal

_I hate this stupid bullshit. If Edward wasn't such a dickweed, I wouldn't have to sit here writing about feelings and shit. What an ass..Rosalie has a nice ass. _ _Yeah..she's got curves in all the right places. God I fuckin' love that bitch. So pretty. Yeah, I remember back in 84' at that fuckin' Poison concert Rosalie made us go too, her and Alice were all grinding on each other. Poor fuckin' Bret Michaels fell off the stage watching them. That was hot. Alice looks like she's be a fuckin' maniac in the sack. Jasper's a lucky guy. Not as lucky as me though, Rose is the shit. What the fuck is Jasper looking at? Dick better quit giving me the evil eye. Edward's such a pansy sometimes. I bet he's over there writing about his feelings and shit for Bella. He's so pussy whipped. Sick bastard. Bella's hot though. I fuckin' miss Rosie._

Jasper's Journal

_I am so stoned. More so than I thought I would be after one joint. Back in my Major days I wasn't such a lightweight. This shit they have today must be much more potent. I wonder if Carlisle was lying about alcohol too. Jazzy's gonna get fucked up! I just called myself Jazzy. I've been hanging around pansy ass Edward too long. I can't believe that dillhole is making us write this bullshit. Alice is so hot. She's like a little hot tamale,,, Que mamasita. So fucking hot. She's a sly little minx. She looks like a little innocent fairy on the outside but if anyone knew how kinky that sexy bitch was…well, let's just say I'd have to go Rambo on their ass. Yeah, I've seen Emmett eyeing her. Can't blame the poor bastard, I'd really like to kick the shit out of him right now._

Edward's Journal

_It's about 9:30, in the pm, I think. I can't quite make out the hands on my watch. Shit's crazy-looking. What the fuck am I doing? Oh yeah, why did I decide to write this stupid bullshit? Yeah, I can hear your thoughts you fuckers. Eddie's getting ready to smack some bitches, fucking assholes thinking I'm a pussy or something. Fuck, I wish Bella was here. I'm the luckiest bastard alive…or at least walking among the living. I can't believe how high I am right now. If I had any idea, I would've been doing this decades ago. I'm fucking thirsty though. My mouth is all dry and lonely without Bella's sweet lips…sweet lips wrapped around my…_

"Fucking Jasper! Will you quit with the fucking sex bullshit!" Once again we were all sitting around with stiffy's. _Fucking bullshit!!!_

We all three jumped up and Jasper yelled, "We hunt!" and he took off out the door. Emmett and I followed suit cuz Lord knows I was fucking thirsty enough to drink an African elephant…


End file.
